Almost done

There are only a few things I have left to do in order to get back to school.

#1. Sign and fax in the promissary note for my school loan. But, before I can do that, I need the school to mail me a copy of the classes I have registered for. Then, I can fax that with my signature on the loan and I should have $6000 minus the 10.5 percent fees that they charged. (I forgot about the fee. I should have asked for $8000.)

#2. Figure out where the hell am I going to live down in LA. I would love to have my own place. A studio or a one-bedroom. I really don't care if it's in a crap neighborhood. I'd rather live by myself than have to deal with roommates. It always ends up a bad situation. But, I will leave that as a last resort.

It kind of leaves in a sticky situation. I need to get down to the school to get the list of classes I've registered but I also need to look for a place to live while I'm down there. I don't have enough money for a deposit. I don't think the school will be able to mail it to me here in Sacramento in enough time considering it is December and the mail systems sucks during this time.

I still have a lot of work left to do.

Falling into place

Things really do seem to be falling into place.

First, I was able to register for all the classes I wanted to take despite receiving a letter that stated that I would have to take a placement test and turn in five different kinds of forms before registering for classes. That would be hard to do being so far away. My placement test and Psychology class I took in the summer of '04 are still valid. It would be a waste to not be able to keep that 'A'.

My financial aid came through big time. All the fees from my classes were waived. I paid $19 for ASO, Health, and something else.

I checked my bank account a few days ago to discover that I had an extra $300 that I didn't expect to be there.

All I need now is my loan to go through and in five weeks I'll be in my own apartment in Los Angeles, back in school, and back home, where I belong.

--
I'm on the season two opener of Lost. I know I'm behind, but it's kind of nice to watch all of them together like this.

Stretching my legs

I convinced myself to get out the house for a few days. I went to Oakland to stay with a friend on mine. A mutual friend of ours was throwing a holiday party. The crowd was friendlier than I expected, especially considering how the previous party went.

It's still odd even though it was expected to be a handful of black folks at most of the parties/get-togethers I usually go to. We try to make an effort not to group together the whole time and talk to everyone who doesn't look like an asshole. Otherwise, the white people will get nervous.

There was an open bar (awesome). But, I wasn't in drinking mode. I had most of a can of Pabst, a glass of Jack & Coke, and half of a bottle of some local beer that didn't taste too bad.

Most of the people who showed up didn't know the host or hostess. They were friends of friends. We walked home from Lake Merritt in Oakland in the middle of the night because BART is a bitch-ass transportation system that stops running at 1230pm.

I crossed a freeway interchange, shared a bowl and a beer, and smoked cloves.

The next night didn't go so well. We were invited to an art exhibit by someone who didn't bother to show up. The whole thing was pretentious. Supposedly all the money is going to some lady who wants to take some kids on a trip to Africa. I don't know how many fresh coconuts sold, or graffiti art, or massages were given. But, I do know ain't nobody going to Africa.

My two friends were looking for an LSD score that never happened. It's just as well. They both had to be at work the next morning.

Lost

I just finished watching episode 10 of the first season. They're worried about some crazy dude who wasn't on the plane is on the island. I want to see what's going to happen next but I have got to detach my ass from this seat and do something else.

I can say that this past few days have been quite productive considering I'm not working.

I don't sleep past 9am.

I have affirmations I have memorized and say out loud every morning and before going to bed. I think they're helping me stay positive or at least focused on what I want.

I do yoga five days a week in the mornings. I noticed that if I don't, more than likely, I won't shower or put something else on besides pajamas.

There's an hour devoted to reading.

There's 3 1/2 hours for watching movies (or episodes of Lost.)

Another 3 hours is for writing and reading about writing.

Somewhere in there I eat breakfast every morning and take vitamins-that's something I've never done regularly. I cook for myself too. I mean real food as opposed to microwave dinners. It's been good trying out new things. I have noticed that I haven't been baking. Probably too dejected to do that at home.

It's been almost a month since I've left this house. One of my friend's is having a party in Oakland tomorrow and I've decided to go. I could use the couple of days outside of my monotony.

But, it brings up a few problems. The first is that I really can't afford to go. The train is about $40 round trip and I can't afford to eat or do anything else. Saturday afternoon is my class registration date for the spring semester of school. I can barely afford to pay for that.

I hate asking my mom for money when it is such an issue for her (but she likes to point out that she makes $44 an hour.) If I can't ask her for $20 then how am I going to ask for help moving back to Los Angelels and getting back into school?

Instant Gratification

I watched the first four episodes of Lost. Now I'm addicted too, impatiently waiting for the rest to finish downloading. I've been watching Xena: Warrior Princess to pass the time. (Don't laugh. I like my cheese extra stinky.)

I check my stomach to see if it's any flatter.

I'm still looking at the phone to see if I missed a message even if it's not turned on.

I checked my email four or five times today only to find messages from reunion.com and classmates.com. Oh yeah, it's been ten years. There's no fucking way I'll ever step foot back in the Antelope Valley. Fuck that place and fuck those people. Obviously, high school wasn't a good time for me.

Whoo hoo...the fifth episode of Lost is done.

Creeping

I think I might be depressed or just really, really sad. I'm unable to tell the difference just yet. But, I am spending a lot of time sleeping or just laying in the bed.

I did cry some today but I didn't bawl my eyes out. If I saw someone with tears in their eyes, I usually try to see if there's anything I can do for them. My mother said nothing and continued on with her conversation about work.

I did eat, so far, two full meals. Cinnamon Toast Crunch didn't make me happy. The English muffin was boring. I did like the orange juice, though. I didn't have enough pesto sauce for the pasta at lunch and added some tomato sauce. I don't recommend it. Red and green don't make good looking food.

I'm still saying my affirmations and doing yoga. I did yoga at 530 in the afternoon as opposed to 930am like usual. I think I did yoga too close to eating. I felt sick during some positions and the burping wasn't pleasant smelling.

Doing yoga guarantees I'll take a shower for the day. If I don't watch myself, I can go a week without taking a shower. But then I can't stand my own stench. So, I can only imagine what it's like for others.

Maybe it's just an emotional period topped off with an emotional me from quitting smoking...yet again.

It's Always The Same

I find myself writing a blog or in my journal when I find myself at the end of my ropes. I guess writing is my religion. It's what I fall back on when things are tough, when I need a little guidance, or need help figuring things out. It is my way of praying.

I've worked myself into a huge hole that I don't see any way out of.

I asked my best friend for a simple favor and was turned away. Now we're not speaking.

I went to school, graduated, worked in that field and now I realize I'm not cut out for it. I have an extra $35,000 in debt because of this lack of foresight.

I'm twenty-seven years old. Four months ago, I moved back in with my mom and my abusive step-father after moving out with I was 18.

I'm trying to go back to school for something I will be called crazy for but I have no money.

I attempted to move from my hometown of Los Angeles to the Bay Area and now I'm trying to move back. I never really made it to the Bay. The plan was to commute from Sacramento to the Bay. I had a friend who was kind enough to let me stay at her place if I got out of work late. I lost my job, twice. It made it hard to save money to move.

I have about $200 to my name and over $400 in student loans to pay back each month.